New Freedonia

I just can’t go on like this anymore. There’s something…missing from my life. There’s a void that I cannot explain. Much like a yearning or need…it’s almost as if…well, that my soul was crying out for something.

Day after day there seems to be little meaning to things. Random chance and happenstance can only push you so far as a person. After awhile you begin to realize that there’s something more…something that you need to embrace and give yourself over to.

For years my mother-in-law in North Carolina has been pleading with us to “get religion” to find meaning and fulfillment. To go after that intangeable power or faith before we’re lost.

Yes, I’m talking about NASCAR.

I’ve tried to hold off for as long as I can…but the sound of the engines…the squeal of the rubber as it tears around the oval…the subliminal commands in the movie Cars…I just can’t take it anymore.

It’s time to turn off my brain and give up my soul to NASCAR. I only hope I am worthy enough one day to receive the Holy Communion of the Winston Cup. That I may one day be able to drive an overpowered 4×4 pickup truck, with angelic mudflaps commerating St. Earnhardt and a window decal of Calvin pissing on a Ford logo. That I may one day make that pilgrimage to Daytona and tell my sons, “Yes, I was there…and I ate deep fried Snickers bars”.

Redneck Heaven is now open unto me. I shall no longer fear the afterlife, for I will dwell in the Holiest of Holy Pit Rows forever and ever.

Amen…and start your engines!